|Almost a year ago, I began writing a column for the newspaper I work for which followed my efforts to lose 100 pounds. I started the year with high hopes, however, as time marched on and the year grew older, I suffered much failure. Let me reiterate -- public failure. I cannot count the times that readers came up to me and joked about my failure. Most of them were good natured jokes, I'm sure, so I didn't go home and cry over a half gallon of ice cream or anything.
It was a full gallon.
Here is the second to last column of the year, along with the artwork I drew for the piece as it appears in Saturday's paper.
Project One Year : Last minute weight loss ideas
Current weight: 343
Weight on Nov. 21: 347
Weight lost: 4 pounds
Starting weight: 351
Left to lose: 92 pounds
I lost four pounds since I last wrote - a bit of last minute success in my yearlong quest to lose 100 pounds.
Now, I just have to lose only 92 more pounds within the next two weeks if I want to win that trip to the Bahamas our publisher promised.
In true come-from-behind fashion, I aim to astonish everyone and, against all odds, pull off the almost impossible task.
I’ve even come up with some strategies.
Idea one - Eat vegetables. A lot of people criticized me during my weight loss efforts for not eating vegetables. Well, with recent E. coli scares involving green onions, spinach, and now lettuce, and god knows what else will be next, my fear of vegetables finally seems prudent! Furthermore, I say avoid all vegetables - cookies may save your life!
However, in the interest of losing weight, I will suffer for the remaining two weeks of the year, and eat “rabbit food” in hopes of hitting a “bad batch.” With any luck, I’ll land in a hospital, where I would lose a lot of weight. And, if I am lucky enough to eat a bad batch at a restaurant, I could win millions in a payoff to avoid a lawsuit!
Idea two - Start using drugs. Sure, I'm a bit late in the game to start a drug habit, but man, crack would probably do the trick! While I won't pretend to know any actual crack aficionados, I do watch police dramas on TV. And who better than rich Hollywood script writers to accurately portray the lives of inner city people struggling with drug habits? In all my years of watching police dramas, I have YET to see a fat crack head! The downside of course is that drugs are illegal, and oh yeah, they may kill you, so on to the next idea.
Idea three - Prayer. Maybe if I pray really, really hard, God will somehow allow me to shed a miraculous 92 pounds. If millionaire pro football players can pray for their team to win, why can’t I pray for God to make me a little less round? Further, if the story of God using Adam’s rib to make Eve, is true, I would propose he use my flesh to create a woman. We wouldn’t want 91 pounds of flesh to go to waste, would we? With 91 pounds, he would have enough for at least two, maybe three, supermodels.
Speaking of supermodels, I could take a page from socialite/model/horrible singer/unintentional porn star Paris Hilton’s enemies and get into a celebrity catfight with Hilton.
Idea four - Celebrity catfight. Hey, it worked for Nicole Ritchie AND Lindsay Lohan! Both of them were (by Hollywood standards) ENORMOUS porkers (i.e., within 5 pounds of normal weight) before getting into tabloid headline grabbing catfights with the infamous Hilton. Now, look at them!
Well, you'd have to look hard, because there isn't much left of either of them to see. In fact, at just the right angle, they actually disappear from most people's field of vision. Getting into a tabloid war with Hilton might prove difficult, though given that we both travel in slightly different social circles.
Idea five - Surgery. A more realistic solution, and one that many people recommended, might be surgery. I could probably lose 92 pounds in an afternoon at the hands of a skilled surgeon and a large vacuum. Of course, to spend thousands of dollars to go on a trip that might not cost more than a few hundred dollars would be a pretty dumb move on my part. You'd have to be… oh, I don't know… as dumb as Paris Hilton to do something like that!
Yeah, girl, it's on!
Labels: Project One Year