on poisonous products:
When the hell did EVERY baby product become deadly? I've been told I'm an overprotective father, and just when I start to take some advice and just relax, the news cycle is full of stories of deadly toxins in common baby products out to destroy babies.
on car seats:
Speaking of babies, I had to install a car seat this weekend, since Baby Wright (at nine months) has already outgrown his first seat. Kid is tall! Must be all those toxins.
I'm not sure who installed the first car seat, my wife must've found some guy more mechanically inclined than myself, which could've been Richard Simmons for all I know. So, I set out to install this monstrosity (sucker is big) into the car, figuring it can't be THAT difficult.
Then I read the instruction manual.
I like to think I'm a fairly intelligent guy. My job as a reporter oftentimes immerses me into complex issues that I have little experience or knowledge of, which I have to quickly get up to speed on in order to explain the issues to readers. If I had to write a story on how to install a car seat, I don't think I could. Not unless it's a photo essay of me jumping up and down on the thing while cursing.
I'm not sure WHO the instruction manual is written for (guys with engineering degrees? rocket scientists? ) but it certainly didn't make any sense to me.
Oh, I tried to figure it out. I even managed to get some straps connected to The Anchors. However, the car seat was still pretty loose. I considered just grabbing some duct tape and bungie cords, but since it's The Baby, I actually have to Do Things The Right Way. I can usually figure things like this out by looking at them for a while. When that invariably fails, I look for someone who actually Knows What They're Doing.
Luckily, my boss was working on the weekend, and I was able to ask him for assistance. Having installed many a car seats, he was able to do this one with relative ease. He certainly didn't refer to the thing as a Mother F-word-er... Seventeen times.
This weekend I have another Baby Project. I have to install a baby fence/gate in the house to keep him from going into the kitchen and eating either the cats' food or poop from their litter box.
Man, I remember a time when I could actually do what I wanted on the weekend! I could draw comics, relax, watch some TV. Not anymore though... Somehow, my time has ceased to be my own.
Let this serve as a lesson to all you people out there (teens and adults alike) not to have sex. Remember, sex leads to car seats and baby gates.
I say if some of these morality police-types want to stop unmarried people from having sex, they ought to just create a public service announcement with some miserable guy trying to to put baby stuff together. Underneath, could be some text, reading, "Remember when you were able to watch the game? Parenthood - it's all car seats and baby fences."
I could almost see the lines forming for vasectomies.
Labels: baby stuff, baby stuff. clueless dad